Go to College, get a good career, have a wife (not much younger than you), have kids (at least two), get a mortgage you can barely afford (debt), take your 2 week vacation (to another western country) and retire when you’re 60. If this is your dream, you should choose to be dead instead. You’re living your life for someone else already, by following the life path… laid out for you by the masses of course.
Hopefully, you’re not in this camp and if you are, take a hard look at your peers, particularly the married ones as you enter the workforce. The tied down men ascribing to the life path will lie to themselves about their choices and have a fake happiness that can be spotted from a mile away. Let’s take a look at the married men you’ll meet on the job.
1) College Sweetheart: This guy is a cookie cutter man you all know. He dated the same girl from 20 to 25. He locks it down. Don’t worry though if you hear him in the office he will have a catalog of hook up stories and explain how he was rotating through hundreds of women back in the day. This guy is much more dangerous than the disappearing act as he is a passive aggressive guy who wants nothing more than to see you fail in life. They are typically quite angry as well. You can be certain that this guy is dangerous when he makes a snide comment when you hit a rough patch in life either 1) on the job or 2) regarding relationships.
The best way to deal with the college sweetheart married guy is to feed his ego. Tell him he made the right life choices, he followed the path after all… and avoid any intermingling with your personal life.
To Wall Street employees this person ranges the gauntlet from an Analyst to a Managing Director.
2) Lives Vicariously Through You: This is another common married guy, he needs to know everything about your personal life. If you go on vacation he wants pictures of the girls you were with. If you have a three day weekend he’ll run up to your office, knock on the glass and will ask for details immediately. He will either 1) go on and on about how he used to sleep with X number of women on a monthly basis back in the day or 2) explain how he would be sleeping with X number of women if he was in your shoes. No worries though, he’s happily married now.
To Wall Street employees this person is usually a Vice President.
3) Disappearing Act: We all know this guy. He’s entertaining, moderately successful and goes radio silent as soon as he enters into a relationship. Take notes. This person is usually getting married at around 29 years old and will tie the knot as soon as he feels he can make a good low six figures for the rest of his life. Get ready for the downward spiral that inevitably occurs when he consistently gets dumped by girlfriends.
Party hard with social circle -> Get into a relationship -> Disappear -> Gets dumped -> calls you out of the blue for “life advice” -> Asks for entrance into your group of friends -> Parties with a few different social circles -> Get into relationship…
Unfortunately this guy is the pinnacle of a nice guy, so he did not sign a pre-nup. He will be a fraction of the man he once was as soon as the divorce papers are handed over. Steer clear of this future train wreck. (Bonus points if he is low enough to encourage you to avoid a pre-nup because that is not “real love”)
To Wall Street employees this person is usually an Associate or Vice President.
4) Appropriately Married Guy: This guy could not get laid in a woman’s only prison with a fist full of pardons. He did however, manage to get married. You can tell this guy got played by the age of his wife, usually within a year or worse… he married an older woman. Fear not, this man will go on and on about how he made the right choice. He will feel validated by women surrounding him who will root for him due to 1) marrying an age appropriate woman and 2) constantly taking pride in his wife. The best part of the appropriately married guy is he will claim his wife is “hot”, you’ll meet her, and of course she’s a nickel at best.
The appropriately married guy is by far the most annoying of the bunch as he is constantly validated by losers and ugly women, particularly if he has a Facebook account. If you’re unlucky, many of these cheerleaders will be in your office so be prepared to buy high end headphones, particularly around the month of February. Wait a decade and you’ll watch this guy crawl out of a miserable divorce.
To Wall Street employees this person can range from an Associate to a Managing Director. The worst is you may meet many of them in a single office.
5) You’re a Bad Person: This guy is the most defensive of women. He is “happily married” and has had a total lifetime lay count of less than 10 (more likely one or two at max). His barrage of insults toward you will usually surround the following: 1) Not All Women Are Like That (NAWALT) followed by using his wife as an example, 2) You’re angry inside (ignores the fact that you’re never critical of his life), 3) You’re looking for women in the wrong places and 4) What would your mother think (the last one is the funniest as it assumes you have mommy issues even though you’re upfront with your family as well).
The bad person married guy can also be single from time to time but as soon as he “wins” in following the life path be certain that he’ll be yelling down your throat like a thirteen year old school girl.
To Wall Street employees this person can range from an Analyst to a Managing Director. The bad person married guy is a life mindset so you will encounter them single as well
Concluding Remarks: Be sure to carefully analyze each married man in your office and take a 10,000 foot view of how they act rather than what they say. If you continue to look at each individual objectively you’ll quickly learn that marriage continues to be a sham.
