An extremely sarcastic look at how to win at life.
1) Pretend to be Smart: Continuously voice your opinion on topics that are far beyond your breadth of knowledge. As an example, if you’re a mechanical engineer, it makes a lot of sense to tell an athlete how to manage his diet. Even if you can’t bench press your own weight… you somehow know how to eat before and after a workout based on your zero success physically.
2) Lose Control of Your Emotions: If someone on the internet says something that makes you feel bad, it makes sense to spend the next 24 hours complaining and getting upset in real life. After all, everyone should be nice to you and everyone on the internet is a “fake” except for you. In addition, when something goes wrong in your personal life, be sure to bring it to work and lash out at everyone in your path that day. The world revolves around how you “feel” so you should make this clear to everyone you interact with.
3) Believe in Team Spirit: That’s right. Go and attend every single company event, joining hands and singing as you bond with one another on some mundane trip. If you really want to make it in life, nothing is better than making someone else rich. That is what team spirit really means. Creating a culture where people are less likely to leave because they feel good. Who does that benefit? The owner. But it’s okay because you’re doing the “right thing”… Whatever that means
4) Watch TV All Day: You have to keep up on pop culture. This is because average people love pop culture so it is best to make sure you have solid conversation topics… with average people. Do you see the catch yet? Ah, it doesn’t matter. Knowing exactly what is happening in the “Game of Thrones” will help you meet the right type of people.
5) Know Sports Stats: Instead of having a general idea for sports you like, you should know every player’s stats like the back of your hand. Ignore the fact that you don’t track your own progress at the gym and focus on memorizing the accomplishments of others. It makes a lot more sense to know the statistics of someone else over your own benchmarks.
6) Believe in Luck: Look around you and assume that anyone who is more successful than you (from a similar background) somehow cheated or got lucky. Believing in luck absolves you of all responsibility in life. Congrats. Instead of realizing that luck is simply your ability to put yourself in situations where positive results may occur, go about your day and assume it will simply happen one day.
7) Eat Garbage: Since a calorie is a calorie it is best to simply eat whatever you like. If it makes you happy, go for it! Never in the history of mankind has the easy and painless route improved the lives of others, yet for food, it makes sense.
8) Don’t Read: We already know that it is easier to watch television so why bother reading when the same concepts can be learned from a Hollywood movie. A company that is creating a film to make money off of entertainment value certainly delivers the same message as a book written to inform. No conflict in messaging here.
9) Surround Yourself With Average People: You need to remain smart so it is best to stay in a room where you’re the smartest person by a country mile. As long as you’re going through the motions, you will improve just as much in a room full of average people as you would in a room full of elite men.
10) Hate on the Rich: Since life is luck, it is best to assume that rich people are also out to get you. This is the best way to foster a relationship, by letting them know you dislike them and loathe them. Make sure that you insult successful people consistently and then wonder why no one is interested in helping you at all. After all, the last person who gave you a job was poor… right?
11) Always Go Dutch: No matter what, always split the tab. A good friend of yours who always makes your day isn’t worth an extra $10 for a drink. Make them split. In fact when you’re on a date, make the girl pay. She must be really attractive, if she’s willing to go on dates with broke guys.
12) Try to Please Everyone: Don’t worry about office politics. Instead, since you have a lot of team spirit, never push back on anyone. When you’re given monotonous work from a person who does not matter within the firm… Prioritize it… over the work of the highest revenue generating person in the firm.
13) Have No Accountability: Any time something goes wrong, look for someone else to blame. In fact, make it a habit to always search for someone else to complain to instead of instinctually blaming yourself. Since everyone else is out to get you, it cannot possibly be your fault.
14) Invest in Individual Stocks: Instead of investing in yourself, invest in individual stocks. It makes sense to spend 20 hours a week to try and eek out an extra 1% return on your $10K investment = $100 or $5/hr – below minimum wage! Then one year it will happen… you’ll make an extra 3% above the S&P 500! You will also validate your own belief that you’re intelligent… Double win!
15) Lie About Your Life: Nothing says successful quite like never failing. If you fail at something that would be a bad thing so never fail. Instead just lie, lie, lie. Lie until you believe it yourself! It is much better to go through life as a liar because then you’ll never be able to build trust with another human being again.
Congrats you’re going to be average forever!
