As you continue to grow older, you’re going to have to cut the cord with many people. You will find new groups to join, people will come and go and a handful of people will likely make it with you for 10, 20 or even 30+ years. Every self help guru, see catering to the hopeless, tries to focus entirely on how to expand a network. Instead lets take a look at how to correctly choose a person, foster a healthy relationship and subsequently end it if needed.
Step 1) Do You Deserve to Build a Set of Relationships? This is the first step. Before you even begin looking for long-term mutually beneficial relationships you need to ask yourself the tough question:
“Am I of value?”
Everyone will answer yes to this question, the unfortunate part is that most should be answering no. If you are a man or woman of value you likely have something specific to offer to any relationship you enter into. This can be a business relationship, a friendship or a romantic one. At the end of the day, you need to have a few items you can look at and say “I am good at X which can help benefit anyone”. Until this happens unfortunately the remainder of this post is not for you.
Step 2) Building the Demographic: This is probably the most important second step after you’ve established value in a few areas of interest. Narrow the pool. If you are an amazing musician you’re going to find great friendships within the art/music field. If you’re a gym rat, high end gymnasiums will do more for you than a low quality gym that makes money off of the laziness of others. Adjust your choices accordingly.
Once you’re comfortable with a niche to build your first branch remember the following chain of events for becoming established:
1) Observe the behaviour of the top 20% in the group
2) Establish rapport with a few men/women in the group by showing your expertise
3) Ask for guidance on a specific task that you cannot answer
4) Add value where you can and show results to aforementioned legitimate advice
It really is that simple. You show up and help where you can, you receive advice and execute and then simply continue down this path for as long as possible.
Once you’ve broken into a new group or demographic you should be (at least) in the top 25%. This gives you ample room for growth and you establish yourself as someone who certainly does add value. A positive cycle upward.
Step 3) Choosing the Correct Relationship to Foster: If you meet a high value person in a gym, at work, or even out at a house party, you need to ask yourself the following:
“If this man/woman was a company would I invest in him/her for 10+ years?”
At this point you are narrowing the group of possible connections by 90% or more. Why? Many people simply have one niche and are unable to expand beyond their comfort zones to tackle new topics. These people should be avoided. You can ask a few questions to these men/women and simply move on. Their knowledge base is going to remain constant. This is a cookie cutter way to shift through the candidates.
By the time you’ve gone through this process, a few months should pass. You have established yourself as someone who will contribute valuable information when he can and you have a handful of people you may consider as friends in the future.
Step 4) Maintaining a Relationship: At this point, you’re consistently spending more time with a small set of people. Instead of growing in a single facet, you’re now growing in multiple areas since you chose wisely.
Notice the trick? Anyone who is only strong in one area should be avoided for a relationship. It is an important distinction.
Continue speaking with this person(s) on a weekly basis and eventually you will get to a point where communication on a bi-weekly basis is more than sufficient. Unlike others who simply latch onto their friends like a girl stuck to her iPhone, a long-term relationship is generally soft touch. Why? Both of you are constantly growing, you need to pursue other hobbies and interests.
At this point you should be in maintenance mode:
1) Send an update email/phone call/text and explain something you’ve learned to touch base
2) Alternatively note gains you’ve made and how they were accomplished to see if the person saw overlapping themes
3) Remain respectful of their time and assume you will get a response within a few days
That is the blueprint. It is up to you to execute.
Step 5) Ending a Relationship: Similar to the saying “Leave her better off than when she first met you” you should have the same exit to any positive relationship you’ve cultivated. There is no need to burn a bridge. Environments change rapidly, it is best to adapt rapidly as well. By the same token, you need to remain cognizant of warning signs to move on. Lets jump into them
1) 6 month no results rule: If your contact has not made any positive improvements in his or her life in 6 months you need to leave. The best gauge of this? You will learn something meaningful from them at least 2 times per year. Everyone will hit a rough spot, however something should be learned
2) Complaining and defeatist attitude: As soon as someone exhibits consistent negativity see – Captain Complainer syndrome – You should fade into the background. No one in the history of mankind wins or achieves something magnificent and turns to insulting the growing pains it took to get there. If you don’t believe this please find a championship team, in any sport, complaining after they win
3) Unwillingness to adapt: In business there is a saying “you’re growing or you’re dying”. If you see a trend of stagnation, use the 6 month rule again, its time to hit the escape button. Adapt or die.
You will likely lose out on a few people who make miraculous comebacks from one of the three triggers above, however it is not your job to track the recovery. Simply continue with this and you’ll likely find yourself in the following situation: 5-7 friends you’ve known for 15+ years and every 3-5 years you’ll gain and lose 2-3 friends as well.
This should not be surprising.
The ones who last past year 10 are likely going to remain for the next twenty.
Obtain 5 friends with the guidelines above… and you’re a rich man indeed.
